Nice Guy

For as long as I can remember, I have been known as "the nice guy." It is a quality that people notice in me and affirm for me, and therefore it is something I have sought relentlessly. I got a thrill from being told I was compassionate, or caring, or unselfish, and therefore always tried hard to fill that role. It's not like it's hard or anything - I feel like it comes naturally to me and I am very blessed by that - but I'm always very conscious about it and pride myself on it. I also feel as if I'm called by God to do that, to be a light to others when they need it, and I feel as if it's a spiritual gift of mine. I think that's why, whenever I feel like I have failed to be nice, compassionate, caring, or unselfish, it really wrecks me. I feel like I have failed somehow in a big way, and I feel like I have to fix it. I feel like other people see it and think less of me. It's a big insecurity issue of mine, and probably for all of the wrong reasons.

Still, I hate the way it feels when I feel like I've failed. I had an experience like this recently, where I was trying so desperately to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish or bad friend that I found myself absurdly trying to justify my actions. It only made me feel worse, like I was lying to myself. I realized that I have to be more honest with myself, and to that end I've come to the following conclusions:

1) I really do want to be a nice guy. Not because of what people think of me, but because I believe it is the right thing to do and it allows me to lead a better life.

2) I am not always successful. I fail, like everyone does. I have to live with it and try to not be so hard on myself. I know my friends love me anyway, and will always be there to keep me in check. For this I am so thankful.

3) Even if it's true that nice guys finish last, I'm prepared to take that.

I realize that, over the last few weeks, I haven't been able to be there for people. I've had to be selfish, inconsiderate, and self-focused because of finals. To those of you who experienced that side of me, thank you for being patient. I'm on the other side now and I will always try to improve myself.

But enough of my self-indulgence. It's summer! Let's do something fun.