Epiphany

I had an epiphany tonight. It's pretty rare that I have them, so I consider this to be pretty important.

I've been in a funk for a few weeks. I suspect (but would like to be wrong) that my friends have noticed. I know for sure that my family has. To be fair, I have been busier in the last month or so then I have been in a long time, maybe ever. But I still feel like something's not right, like I can't quite get enjoyment out of things that I used to, that I'm tired, that I'm just going through the motions with a lot of things (similar to the Texas game today—too soon?). I've done it with school, with friends, even this concert that I got to sing in tonight. I've completely forgotten what a privilege it is to be where I am, with the opportunities and gifts that I have.

Why is this? Because I worry. Where will I get a job? How will I get through X this week? How will I get enough sleep? Will I be able to read for class and be a good mentor and finish my journal requirements and make a good impression with the judge for whom I intern? Add that to a pile of family stuff, and the list continues to grow, much like everyone else in this world.

The answer is simple: stop worrying. We're not supposed to, anyway. Jeremiah is pretty adamant about that. So I'll stop worrying.

There's only one problem: I can't.

That has been the biggest stumbling block for me for a long, long time. I can't let go. It's been holding me back from true enjoyment of life, and I have not been able to figure out why.

Until now.

I won't let go because I'm afraid, afraid of what an uncontrolled life would be like, one where I didn't rigidly plan every facet of every day, and be subjected to disappointment every time things don't go as planned (which even a child could tell you rarely works out). I don't know why it too me so long to figure out, but I finally did it, and it's time to do something about it.

I'm going to let go.

I'm going to let God have his rightful place at the focus of my life, and will ask Him every day to help me let go and follow the plans He has for me. Knowing what powerful transformations have occurred in me before through Him, I am sure that it will work. In fact, I feel a change already. Will this result in more uncertainty? Sure. Will I get less sleep? Probably. Will it be a struggle? Every day. But it will help me to live life the way I was meant to live it, and that is worth more than any fatigue or uncertainty.

My funk is over. It's time to get back to doing what I do best: living and loving life.

But first, rest. Tonight I have the chance to get some glorious sleep, and I can never turn that down.

Tomorrow is a new day.

And lucky for me, I get a chance to perform again. I won't waste the opportunity.

Nice Guy

For as long as I can remember, I have been known as "the nice guy." It is a quality that people notice in me and affirm for me, and therefore it is something I have sought relentlessly. I got a thrill from being told I was compassionate, or caring, or unselfish, and therefore always tried hard to fill that role. It's not like it's hard or anything - I feel like it comes naturally to me and I am very blessed by that - but I'm always very conscious about it and pride myself on it. I also feel as if I'm called by God to do that, to be a light to others when they need it, and I feel as if it's a spiritual gift of mine. I think that's why, whenever I feel like I have failed to be nice, compassionate, caring, or unselfish, it really wrecks me. I feel like I have failed somehow in a big way, and I feel like I have to fix it. I feel like other people see it and think less of me. It's a big insecurity issue of mine, and probably for all of the wrong reasons.

Still, I hate the way it feels when I feel like I've failed. I had an experience like this recently, where I was trying so desperately to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish or bad friend that I found myself absurdly trying to justify my actions. It only made me feel worse, like I was lying to myself. I realized that I have to be more honest with myself, and to that end I've come to the following conclusions:

1) I really do want to be a nice guy. Not because of what people think of me, but because I believe it is the right thing to do and it allows me to lead a better life.

2) I am not always successful. I fail, like everyone does. I have to live with it and try to not be so hard on myself. I know my friends love me anyway, and will always be there to keep me in check. For this I am so thankful.

3) Even if it's true that nice guys finish last, I'm prepared to take that.

I realize that, over the last few weeks, I haven't been able to be there for people. I've had to be selfish, inconsiderate, and self-focused because of finals. To those of you who experienced that side of me, thank you for being patient. I'm on the other side now and I will always try to improve myself.

But enough of my self-indulgence. It's summer! Let's do something fun.

Ready Or Not

I start class again tomorrow. The thought does not excite me. I mean, I sort of look forward to discussions about Con Law, but that's about it. I feel like I worked so hard through the end of finals, and even though I had five weeks off, four of those five were spent waiting for grades, all but one of which have arrived. One still remains, and it is driving me crazy! But in short, I have not relaxed as much as I wanted. I have seen friends, had a lot of fun, been with family I loved, and driven a LOT, but I had a hard time truly finding peace. And in that way, the break was good for me.

I hyped up this break a lot in my mind, several weeks of having to do absolutely nothing. I looked forward to it a lot, and was so excited when it arrived. I envisioned total peace and quiet, and getting the rest I so desperately needed. However, I found myself, even during the break, feeling stressed about the dumbest things. It wasn't until a week or so ago that I truly let down my walls I had built during the times in school where I was most stressed, walls that kept me from truly feeling the weight of my stress. I finally felt that stress, and I let it go. God finally is showing me how to let go and truly be at peace even in times of the greatest stress, and for that reason this break has been a huge success.

Thank you to all of the friends that made my break very special. It is such a joy to see and spend time with all of you. You made me who I am and continue to shape my future.

Congratulations to Tal and Dava Debauche :-)

Finally, even though I said I am not excited about tomorrow, I am still infinitely grateful for my education and Praise Him for law school!

I look to the future as I always do: with Hope and anticipation

It starts tomorrow.

A Semester

As I begin my final week before starting another semester of law school, I find it extremely difficult to believe that I've already been through one semester and am about to start a second. The 15 weeks that passed from August to December at once seem like an insurmountable mountain that I passed over like the Little Engine that Could and a blip on the radar that passed in the blink of an eye. And yet, in that blink of an eye, so many things changed. I met wonderful people and was introduced to profound ideas, I was surrounded by intellectual greatness that challenged and inspired me, I had professors that I loved, professors that I really liked, and (thankfully) no professors that I hated. All of those things provided a wonderful environment for me, and though it was difficult, time-consuming, stressful, and at times unhealthy, it was a far cry from the misery and tales of woe that preceded me (such as one from a mournful woman warning me that, upon hearing that I would be commuting to school about 20-25 min each day, I would regret not having that time to study). Yes I wanted it to end, yes I was stressed out and exhausted, yes I think some of the finals were torturous, but I was still happy, and I still lived a life. My semester, as contradictory as this may seem, was not defined by school; rather, it was defined by the changing world around me, and how much I changed, thought it seemed as if I had not.

I consider it a true blessing to have grown up here. I never intended on staying all through college and beyond, but the opportunities were too good to pass up and I truly believe that the Lord has wanted to keep me here for many different reasons. The blessings of my four years in college are a testament to that. But that doesn't mean that there are not downsides. This semester opened my eyes to a drawback: I have stayed in the same city and maintained a similar routine, therefore making my life seem the same. However, everything around me has changed, and I have had to watch friends move away (some getting married - congrats to originalmuggins and tldbch!), organizations that I invested all of myself in move on without me, and the University completely change. It is hard to be literally next door (the music building is right next to the law school) to the things I valued most in college and still feel separated from it as though there was a wall there that I myself built by graduating last May. I have moved back home, which is an immeasurable blessing. I pay no living costs and yet get to enjoy a comfortable house and a family that supports me in everything that I do, and a family who will always be there for me when I need them, which you don't always get from your roommates when you're living in an apartment or house near campus. But that too has its downsides. I often feel pulled in several different directions, from the feeling that I need to be with my family to the feeling that I have to get out of the house and see friends to the feeling that I need to be doing more schoolwork. All of these feelings produce a guilt in me, so that this past semester I have felt more guilty than anything, often for no reason at all other than the fact that I am just feeling too stretched. It is taking me a lot of time to realize that the reality that I am in now is not one of the realities I lived through college, but a new one, a composite of all of those lives, and learning to live with that is more difficult than I anticipated. But now that I realize that this is the cause of a lot of my stress, I hope to change that this semester.

I don't know if my semester was an academic success (STILL, since I don't have any grades back), but it taught me more than a lot of semesters have before. I look forward to the future with a willingness to accept the plans that are provided for me, and with a patience to not constantly seek what comes next, but to enjoy the ride.

Speaking of the ride, I intend to use this blog in the future to talk about my experiences as a law student. I want to update at least once a week, but who knows if that will happen or not once I feel the brunt of an even more difficult second semester. It will be funny, sad, and probably sometimes boring, but I hope you enjoy it. It should offer some fun insight on what it's like to be a student in law school at UT.

And now, in closing, since I don't want to rehash everything about my first semester, here are some highlights:

1. Meeting a new group of people. It felt like high school, but everyone was confident in who they were and wasn't trying to impress anyone. It was a good feeling - like you were meeting someone and seeing their genuine selves. Amazing and refreshing.

2. Having a professor pretend to proposition a student to provide an example of intent to make an offer in my contracts class. So funny, so wrong, but I'll never forget how to apply a subjective standard to the concept of offers, that's for sure.

3. Texas Football 1L Tailgate - pretty sure the people in charge don't remember that I, nor anyone else, was even there. It was that ridiculous.

4. Watching a student mouth off to a professor and learn the hard way to never, EVER try doing that again.

5. Making incredible new friends, some from all over the place, and others that I should have known for a long time, making my world, again, seem much smaller.

6. Keeping my old friends, who I will always cherish and hold the closest.

7. Sitting in a circle in the student lounge with my mentor group. Some of my favorite memories come from those leather chairs.

8. Complaining about the prices in George's Cafe, and then invariably eating at George's.

9. Making terrible law school jokes since it's the only thing I can keep in my mind while I'm in school.

10. Walking into the building to go to a law school class for the first time - something I've wanted since I was in the 7th grade.

What a blessing from God my time in law school has been, and what a blessing it will continue to be.