I start class again tomorrow. The thought does not excite me. I mean, I sort of look forward to discussions about Con Law, but that's about it. I feel like I worked so hard through the end of finals, and even though I had five weeks off, four of those five were spent waiting for grades, all but one of which have arrived. One still remains, and it is driving me crazy! But in short, I have not relaxed as much as I wanted. I have seen friends, had a lot of fun, been with family I loved, and driven a LOT, but I had a hard time truly finding peace. And in that way, the break was good for me.
I hyped up this break a lot in my mind, several weeks of having to do absolutely nothing. I looked forward to it a lot, and was so excited when it arrived. I envisioned total peace and quiet, and getting the rest I so desperately needed. However, I found myself, even during the break, feeling stressed about the dumbest things. It wasn't until a week or so ago that I truly let down my walls I had built during the times in school where I was most stressed, walls that kept me from truly feeling the weight of my stress. I finally felt that stress, and I let it go. God finally is showing me how to let go and truly be at peace even in times of the greatest stress, and for that reason this break has been a huge success.
Thank you to all of the friends that made my break very special. It is such a joy to see and spend time with all of you. You made me who I am and continue to shape my future.
Congratulations to Tal and Dava Debauche :-)
Finally, even though I said I am not excited about tomorrow, I am still infinitely grateful for my education and Praise Him for law school!
I look to the future as I always do: with Hope and anticipation
It starts tomorrow.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
A Semester
As I begin my final week before starting another semester of law school, I find it extremely difficult to believe that I've already been through one semester and am about to start a second. The 15 weeks that passed from August to December at once seem like an insurmountable mountain that I passed over like the Little Engine that Could and a blip on the radar that passed in the blink of an eye. And yet, in that blink of an eye, so many things changed. I met wonderful people and was introduced to profound ideas, I was surrounded by intellectual greatness that challenged and inspired me, I had professors that I loved, professors that I really liked, and (thankfully) no professors that I hated. All of those things provided a wonderful environment for me, and though it was difficult, time-consuming, stressful, and at times unhealthy, it was a far cry from the misery and tales of woe that preceded me (such as one from a mournful woman warning me that, upon hearing that I would be commuting to school about 20-25 min each day, I would regret not having that time to study). Yes I wanted it to end, yes I was stressed out and exhausted, yes I think some of the finals were torturous, but I was still happy, and I still lived a life. My semester, as contradictory as this may seem, was not defined by school; rather, it was defined by the changing world around me, and how much I changed, thought it seemed as if I had not.
I consider it a true blessing to have grown up here. I never intended on staying all through college and beyond, but the opportunities were too good to pass up and I truly believe that the Lord has wanted to keep me here for many different reasons. The blessings of my four years in college are a testament to that. But that doesn't mean that there are not downsides. This semester opened my eyes to a drawback: I have stayed in the same city and maintained a similar routine, therefore making my life seem the same. However, everything around me has changed, and I have had to watch friends move away (some getting married - congrats to originalmuggins and tldbch!), organizations that I invested all of myself in move on without me, and the University completely change. It is hard to be literally next door (the music building is right next to the law school) to the things I valued most in college and still feel separated from it as though there was a wall there that I myself built by graduating last May. I have moved back home, which is an immeasurable blessing. I pay no living costs and yet get to enjoy a comfortable house and a family that supports me in everything that I do, and a family who will always be there for me when I need them, which you don't always get from your roommates when you're living in an apartment or house near campus. But that too has its downsides. I often feel pulled in several different directions, from the feeling that I need to be with my family to the feeling that I have to get out of the house and see friends to the feeling that I need to be doing more schoolwork. All of these feelings produce a guilt in me, so that this past semester I have felt more guilty than anything, often for no reason at all other than the fact that I am just feeling too stretched. It is taking me a lot of time to realize that the reality that I am in now is not one of the realities I lived through college, but a new one, a composite of all of those lives, and learning to live with that is more difficult than I anticipated. But now that I realize that this is the cause of a lot of my stress, I hope to change that this semester.
I don't know if my semester was an academic success (STILL, since I don't have any grades back), but it taught me more than a lot of semesters have before. I look forward to the future with a willingness to accept the plans that are provided for me, and with a patience to not constantly seek what comes next, but to enjoy the ride.
Speaking of the ride, I intend to use this blog in the future to talk about my experiences as a law student. I want to update at least once a week, but who knows if that will happen or not once I feel the brunt of an even more difficult second semester. It will be funny, sad, and probably sometimes boring, but I hope you enjoy it. It should offer some fun insight on what it's like to be a student in law school at UT.
And now, in closing, since I don't want to rehash everything about my first semester, here are some highlights:
1. Meeting a new group of people. It felt like high school, but everyone was confident in who they were and wasn't trying to impress anyone. It was a good feeling - like you were meeting someone and seeing their genuine selves. Amazing and refreshing.
2. Having a professor pretend to proposition a student to provide an example of intent to make an offer in my contracts class. So funny, so wrong, but I'll never forget how to apply a subjective standard to the concept of offers, that's for sure.
3. Texas Football 1L Tailgate - pretty sure the people in charge don't remember that I, nor anyone else, was even there. It was that ridiculous.
4. Watching a student mouth off to a professor and learn the hard way to never, EVER try doing that again.
5. Making incredible new friends, some from all over the place, and others that I should have known for a long time, making my world, again, seem much smaller.
6. Keeping my old friends, who I will always cherish and hold the closest.
7. Sitting in a circle in the student lounge with my mentor group. Some of my favorite memories come from those leather chairs.
8. Complaining about the prices in George's Cafe, and then invariably eating at George's.
9. Making terrible law school jokes since it's the only thing I can keep in my mind while I'm in school.
10. Walking into the building to go to a law school class for the first time - something I've wanted since I was in the 7th grade.
What a blessing from God my time in law school has been, and what a blessing it will continue to be.
I consider it a true blessing to have grown up here. I never intended on staying all through college and beyond, but the opportunities were too good to pass up and I truly believe that the Lord has wanted to keep me here for many different reasons. The blessings of my four years in college are a testament to that. But that doesn't mean that there are not downsides. This semester opened my eyes to a drawback: I have stayed in the same city and maintained a similar routine, therefore making my life seem the same. However, everything around me has changed, and I have had to watch friends move away (some getting married - congrats to originalmuggins and tldbch!), organizations that I invested all of myself in move on without me, and the University completely change. It is hard to be literally next door (the music building is right next to the law school) to the things I valued most in college and still feel separated from it as though there was a wall there that I myself built by graduating last May. I have moved back home, which is an immeasurable blessing. I pay no living costs and yet get to enjoy a comfortable house and a family that supports me in everything that I do, and a family who will always be there for me when I need them, which you don't always get from your roommates when you're living in an apartment or house near campus. But that too has its downsides. I often feel pulled in several different directions, from the feeling that I need to be with my family to the feeling that I have to get out of the house and see friends to the feeling that I need to be doing more schoolwork. All of these feelings produce a guilt in me, so that this past semester I have felt more guilty than anything, often for no reason at all other than the fact that I am just feeling too stretched. It is taking me a lot of time to realize that the reality that I am in now is not one of the realities I lived through college, but a new one, a composite of all of those lives, and learning to live with that is more difficult than I anticipated. But now that I realize that this is the cause of a lot of my stress, I hope to change that this semester.
I don't know if my semester was an academic success (STILL, since I don't have any grades back), but it taught me more than a lot of semesters have before. I look forward to the future with a willingness to accept the plans that are provided for me, and with a patience to not constantly seek what comes next, but to enjoy the ride.
Speaking of the ride, I intend to use this blog in the future to talk about my experiences as a law student. I want to update at least once a week, but who knows if that will happen or not once I feel the brunt of an even more difficult second semester. It will be funny, sad, and probably sometimes boring, but I hope you enjoy it. It should offer some fun insight on what it's like to be a student in law school at UT.
And now, in closing, since I don't want to rehash everything about my first semester, here are some highlights:
1. Meeting a new group of people. It felt like high school, but everyone was confident in who they were and wasn't trying to impress anyone. It was a good feeling - like you were meeting someone and seeing their genuine selves. Amazing and refreshing.
2. Having a professor pretend to proposition a student to provide an example of intent to make an offer in my contracts class. So funny, so wrong, but I'll never forget how to apply a subjective standard to the concept of offers, that's for sure.
3. Texas Football 1L Tailgate - pretty sure the people in charge don't remember that I, nor anyone else, was even there. It was that ridiculous.
4. Watching a student mouth off to a professor and learn the hard way to never, EVER try doing that again.
5. Making incredible new friends, some from all over the place, and others that I should have known for a long time, making my world, again, seem much smaller.
6. Keeping my old friends, who I will always cherish and hold the closest.
7. Sitting in a circle in the student lounge with my mentor group. Some of my favorite memories come from those leather chairs.
8. Complaining about the prices in George's Cafe, and then invariably eating at George's.
9. Making terrible law school jokes since it's the only thing I can keep in my mind while I'm in school.
10. Walking into the building to go to a law school class for the first time - something I've wanted since I was in the 7th grade.
What a blessing from God my time in law school has been, and what a blessing it will continue to be.
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