Epiphany

I had an epiphany tonight. It's pretty rare that I have them, so I consider this to be pretty important.

I've been in a funk for a few weeks. I suspect (but would like to be wrong) that my friends have noticed. I know for sure that my family has. To be fair, I have been busier in the last month or so then I have been in a long time, maybe ever. But I still feel like something's not right, like I can't quite get enjoyment out of things that I used to, that I'm tired, that I'm just going through the motions with a lot of things (similar to the Texas game today—too soon?). I've done it with school, with friends, even this concert that I got to sing in tonight. I've completely forgotten what a privilege it is to be where I am, with the opportunities and gifts that I have.

Why is this? Because I worry. Where will I get a job? How will I get through X this week? How will I get enough sleep? Will I be able to read for class and be a good mentor and finish my journal requirements and make a good impression with the judge for whom I intern? Add that to a pile of family stuff, and the list continues to grow, much like everyone else in this world.

The answer is simple: stop worrying. We're not supposed to, anyway. Jeremiah is pretty adamant about that. So I'll stop worrying.

There's only one problem: I can't.

That has been the biggest stumbling block for me for a long, long time. I can't let go. It's been holding me back from true enjoyment of life, and I have not been able to figure out why.

Until now.

I won't let go because I'm afraid, afraid of what an uncontrolled life would be like, one where I didn't rigidly plan every facet of every day, and be subjected to disappointment every time things don't go as planned (which even a child could tell you rarely works out). I don't know why it too me so long to figure out, but I finally did it, and it's time to do something about it.

I'm going to let go.

I'm going to let God have his rightful place at the focus of my life, and will ask Him every day to help me let go and follow the plans He has for me. Knowing what powerful transformations have occurred in me before through Him, I am sure that it will work. In fact, I feel a change already. Will this result in more uncertainty? Sure. Will I get less sleep? Probably. Will it be a struggle? Every day. But it will help me to live life the way I was meant to live it, and that is worth more than any fatigue or uncertainty.

My funk is over. It's time to get back to doing what I do best: living and loving life.

But first, rest. Tonight I have the chance to get some glorious sleep, and I can never turn that down.

Tomorrow is a new day.

And lucky for me, I get a chance to perform again. I won't waste the opportunity.